This article is a work of fiction as well as the result of an overactive imagination and does not reflect the actual goals or policies of the good people at the California Clock Co., who have given the world a wonderful product at a reasonable price for over 50 years. Kit Cat and the Kit Cat Clock are registered trademarks of the California Clock Co.
It all seems innocent enough... a Felix-like cat with a clock in it's stomach, with eyes and a tail that move back and forth... but there is something darker lurking beneath the surface of the jolly and seemingly harmless Kit Cat Clock. Behind those sinister moving eyes lurk a great enigma, perhaps one that will never be fully understood. There's a dark cult with a hidden agenda based on the mesmerizing eyes of this clock. How many naive people have fallen prey to the Kit Cat Cult? Perhaps we will never know. The numbers are growing, however, because according to the company, every three minutes for the past 50 years, someone has bought a Kit Cat clock. I only hope this story reaches you and your loved ones in time.
My first experience with a Kit Cat clock came in 1991 when I was working in an art supply and gift shop. While a co-worker and I were rummaging in the supply closet and throwing out old empty boxes, I found the clock. I was struck immediately by those eyes... eyes that seem to stare right through your soul. Since the clock was missing it's tail, I was allowed to keep it as it could not be sold in that condition.
Happily I took the clock home and plugged it in. At once the eyes started moving. At first it seems amusing, but after a while it becomes genuinely disconcerting to see the movement of cat's eyes when one is alone in the room. It took quite a while to get used to, and while I was getting used to it, I could feel a change coming over me... I was becoming more and more interested in the clock, finding myself staring at those rolling eyes for long periods of time...
Several days later, rummaging through the same closet at work, we found several copies of Smile, the bimonthly "official newsletter of the Kit Cat fan club". This concept intrigued me... a fan club for a clock. The newsletter itself was almost as odd as the clock. It's eight pages of really strange people gushing about how the clock makes them smile and feel good. The word "smile" appears in virtually every sentence. There's all sorts of simple-minded "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" philosophy, but they neglect to say what it is, exactly, about this clock that makes them feel so good.
The editor and fan club president, Joan Tillman, talks about how important it is to renew your $3 per year subscription because "surely you'll want to keep receiving this positive resource", and because this newsletter is "our labor of love. It's our way of sending a smile into your home; so no matter what life throws in your way, you know you can always count on a 'SMILE'" (Things can't really be too bad for people who can afford to spend $40 on a clock, and $10 to join a fan club for that clock).
The newsletter features a monthly riddle contest, as well as a "Crazy Caption" contest, where they print a cartoon of Kit Cat and readers send in captions. For instance, for the picture of Kit Cat in the bath tub, people sent in captions like "Clean as a whistle in a tub full of bubbles, keeps you smilin' and fresh-- forgettin' your troubles." (this was the grand prize winner) or honorable mention winners "I'm forever ducking bubbles with a smile" and "Bubble-Double your cares away", (what on earth does "Bubble-Double" mean?). In some of the issues, honorable mention winners were obviously captions for the wrong picture on the same page or for a cartoon from a past issue, but they win 10% discount coupons anyway. This made me a bit suspicious, because it seems that anyone who even enters wins honorable mention. For example, in the honorable mention section for a cartoon of Kit-Cat proposing to his female Kit-Cat counterpart, someone got honorable mention for "Your smile will make my puzzled heart complete", obviously referring to a different cartoon printed several months before (Kit Cat putting together a heart-shaped puzzle with one piece missing).
It all falls into place on the last page- Kit Cat merchandise! Direct from the company at full retail price, including special "limited edition" colors of the clocks! The fan club is just a merchandising front for the clock company, so they can make more money! And the winners of the various contest only get coupons for a percentage off of the merchandise, so even with the grand prize coupon (50% off) they still make a decent profit, (standard retail markup being 100% of wholesale price, so a Kit Cat clock that sells for $40 costs the store $20, and probably costs the company only about $9 to manufacture). Labor of love indeed! And, they make you pay $3 a year for their glorified catalogs!
I shrugged them off as a greedy corporation with a lot of flaky customers. Then one day, we got a new shipment of the clocks at the store, in the swanky display case featuring the Kit Cat Creed, and there were clocks with tails! We set up one on the counter that we couldn't hook up a tail to, so I immediately took the tail home for my incomplete clock. I carefully attached it, and hung the clock up on the wall. It was at this point that I guess I blacked out or something because the next thing I knew I was still standing there three days later muttering the Kit Cat Creed over and over to myself.
Put a Smile on Everyone's Face;
Love in Everyone's Heart;
Energy in Everyone's Body; and
Be a Positive Force in Everyone's Life.
I had joined the Kit Cat Cult. Obviously the combination of the tail and eyes moving in beautiful syncopation was more powerful than I first had imagined. The simple elegance of it, the ballet of timekeeping, the simple black and white hypnosis of the clock had me enthralled. I immediately sent out my $10 check to join the legion of the doomed, lured like Kit Cat's other mindless minions with the promise of a bonanza of Kit Cat Merchandise ("a $25 retail value!") and a year's fix of Kit Cat propaganda in the pages of Smile.
After 4 weeks, a box arrived with my membership
card, a bunch of stickers of Kit Cat in various un-cat-like
settings (water skiing, playing the piano, baking cookies, hang
gliding), and a swanky Kit Cat T-shirt (bearing the "Brings
out the Smile in you!" logo). I gave up my previous identity to
become member #4436, but it was worth it to have the Creed on the
back of a wallet-size card so I could read those reassuring words in
times of great distress, when my faith in Kit Cat was shaken.
Were there really 4,500 of us? Were we the only hard-core Kit Cat junkies? And what of the countless thousands who never found the fan club? People who bought the clock second-hand, so they didn't get the handy membership form in the box? Unable to share their inexplicable obsession with others of a like mind, living lives in the shadow of fear that people will realize that they are under the spell of a plastic timepiece.
Despite the urgings of fellow cult members, I finally conquered the call of the clock in 1994, with six weeks of heavy deprogramming, a diet of pork products, and large doses of peyote and laxatives.
Is this Cult capable of harming others? It's hard to say. The Manson Family was known to smile constantly, and seemed harmless enough to many who knew them, but the insane stare of their leader made them commit murder. At this time the company seems content to simply make money from their clock-induced zombies, but who knows where their dark ambitions will lead? The elimination of other clock companies? Mickey Mouse found slain gangland-style in his Orlando, Florida home? Or perhaps the mysterious disappearance of arch-rival Felix the cat? Only Joan Tillman and California Clock Company know for sure.
(from the July/August 1993 "What's News" column of Smile, Volume 9, Number 4, Page 1)
Over the years we have sold thousands of Kit Cat Beach Towels. The Beach Towels are a great, colorful way to introduce others to the excitement of living with a positive attitude.Have any of you with a Kit Cat Beach Towel ever experienced this:
"Hey, is that a Felix beach towel?"
"Felix? No way! It's Kit Cat! You've seen the cat clock with the eyes and tail that go back and forth, right?"
"Sure! I think they're so cute!"
"Well, I'm a member of the Kit Cat fan club, who's Creed is: Put a smile on everyone's face; Love in everyone's heart; Energy in everyone's body; And be a positive force in everyone's life!"
Kit Cat Fan Club members seeking assistance can contact the Center for Cat Cult Deprogramming in Dallas, Texas.
Ken Miller remains in hiding following threats from anonymous callers, who promised to "punch his clock" and "find out what makes him tick".
